2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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