There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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