Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
