i just google imaged poop.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
