where am i from again
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We are all done wearing pants today
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
