anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
