Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
