Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Randomize
