I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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