and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
