i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
