why didn't you poke me back
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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