I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
