My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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