His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
