M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
