So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
