8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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