he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
