Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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