Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I stole a fireplace last night.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
