I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
