I wish life had little blips of pornography
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
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