You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
