The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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