I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
