So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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