i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
