Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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