70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
