The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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