Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
we should paint friendship bongs
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
