I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
