Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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