Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize