not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Randomize
