im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
