"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
