Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
