My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
