someone threw a dead crab at me
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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