There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
