Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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