It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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