She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize