I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Two words: nipple clamps
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