I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
