Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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