And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm way too hungover for life right now
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
