Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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