Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
