I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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