Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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