Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
