so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
