its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
