Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
