I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
