i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Are we still banned from the library?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
