I'm eating all of the evidence.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
