Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize