I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
