Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
